Thursday, December 4, 2008


I was 14 years old when my father got a job, to be a farm manager of De Ridders drift. De Ridders drift was 1 of 3 farms in an area I will not mention, and belonged to a wealthy farmer in that district. I have never been back there again, after our brief stay there of 6 weeks it may be 8 I can’t remember. It has been 23 years since I was there yet, I can still remember it as if it had happened yesterday.

But let me start from the beginning. The man my dad got the job from I shall call Jones, he was one of the richest farmers in our country, and he offered my dad a huge salary per month to run De Ridders drift one of his wheat farms. We had a huge and beautiful old farm house to live in and the area around the house was a lush garden and tree’s all around, I remember my dad saying that the farm was so big it takes a full 2 days just to drive the perimeter in his bakkie. We moved there during the December holidays, and I would be enrolled in the boarding school located about 350km to the nearest town. I did not like the idea about not living with my mom and dad fulltime but understood why my dad took the job.

Now about Jones, from the first day I met the man he was strange to me almost weird as if he did not belong here on earth. Don’t get me wrong here Jones was a very friendly and open man always a smile on his face, but I saw something else in him, and for the life of me I could never understand why my Folks could not see it. From the second I laid eyes on him, I felt a sense of peace and only later in my life it dawned on me that, that weird feeling towards Jones was my 14 year old mind telling me that Jones had a very big secret in his life that he was hiding. Never the less I liked him.

On the far north side on the border of De Ridder drift, lay a bank of hills and at the foot of these hills was a large dam surround by tree’s mainly willows and a few berry bushes and other exotic plant life. My first week on the farm I asked dad if I could take the 50cc dirt bike and explore that hillside and dam. Dad said yes and after pleading with my mom she agreed reluctantly, I remember packing my rucksack with food and water and of I went on my great adventure.
It took me a good 2 hours to reach the edge of the tree’s among them I could see the calm blue water of the dam and on the other side the hills rising up to the sky. And here I spent the rest of the day exploring among the tree’s, around the dam and partly up one side of the hill witch rather looked more like a mountain once you stood by its foot.

On my way back home, driving on the side of the wheat fields which seem to go on and on with no end, I decided my next trip to the dam would be for fishing. I imagined myself walking into the house with a nice big catch, but at 14 it did not cross my mind what type of fish or even if there was any fish in that dam, all I could see in my mind’s eye was 2 or 3 huge fishes and the surprise and happiness on my parent’s faces.

The next week or few weeks that followed I helped my mom and dad on the farm and by the end of the last few days on the farm before we left for good I had a free day to myself and I decided to go and do some fishing. A few days before I had taken my fishing gear and I had hidden it at the side of the wheat field among some bushes because I wanted my big catch to be a surprise for my parents. So of I went early that morning during past the lush yellow wheat fields softly blowing in the wind.

Once there I stopped the dirt bike at the line of trees from there it was about a 400meter walk through the trees before you reached the dam. I remember as I got of the bike that the air around me was deadly silent. There was no bird chatter in the trees no noises of a light wind or the buzz of insects, all around me was silent to the point that I felt a tinge of fear in my belly. I looked back and about 100 meters away the wheat was still swaying in the wind, looking back at and up the trees all was frozen not a leave or branch moved.

That’s when I heard a noise, like a splash in the water, I slowly started walking towards the dam, forgetting why I was there in the first place. Moving among the trees I felt the deathly silence around me, slowly the view of the dam started opening up and then I stopped dead in my tracks. To my left I saw Jones on his knees arms in the air, wearing a funny white robe, he was at the edge of the water. He was loudly chanting in some weird language. After a few minutes the water started to ripple and then rise in front of Jones, and from the centre of the dam something was rising out of the water. And at this point my jaw dropped to the ground. Rising out of the water was what appeared to be 2 giant men also in white robes they hovered above the water, and then slowly moved towards Jones. At the edge of the water they crossed to the ground. At this point Jones was up and walking to them he stopped in front of them. All 3 then held their right hands up in the air almost like a Nazi salute they took turns mumbling in that strange language Jones was saying earlier. The 2 was men big and very tall at least 10meters high and the color of their skin were white like milk they both had long white hair down to almost their hips. One had what looked like a beard but I was too far away to make out any facial features. Then Jones himself started to shimmer and blur and in seconds he looked just like the 2 men.

At this point I let out a soft yelp in fear and all 3 the giants looked in my direction and all I could do was turn and run for all my life’s worth. Reaching the bike I jumped on and as I started it they came running out the trees towards me and could now clearly see their faces, big blue eyes and one had a beard. Hey boy stop one shouted in a loud voice. But fear took me beyond reason and I sped off at top speed on the bike, how I got home I could not remember, but my parents found me lying curled up in a ball at the front door mumbling insanely and when my dad picked me up I wet myself and screamed like a mad man.

I was catatonic for at least 2 days and when I came round mom dad and the local district doctor was sitting by my bed, when I told them what I saw the doctor raised his eyebrows and looked at my father, they both left the room and I never saw the doctor again. The next day dad was in the wheat fields, and mom was busy outside in the vegetable garden at the back of the house. As I was lying in bed the events at the dam ran in my head like a movie and I was wondering if I did not imagine it, and until now neither of my parents seem to believe me.

A soft knock on my door brought me back to reality and as the door opened in stepped Jones. As I opened my mouth to scream he jumped on the bed and tightly placed his hand over my mouth. Be silent my son I will take my hand away but if you so much as make a peep I will disappear before your mommy can reach the door, do you understand me. I slowly nodded yes. As he removed his hand I kept my lips tightly closed staring up at him. But now I felt peace and calmness welling up in me like a thunder storm. Then Jones reached into his pocket and took out a small white feather. Now, said Jones I am not going to hurt you I am going to say a prayer that will make you forget what you saw the other day, you might feel a little sleepy but that’s all. He must have read my mind because he answered exactly what I was thinking. What am I, he said, well I might as well tell you before I pray for you, I am not from this world son but from a far far away a place, your little mind won,t understand. And we are not here to kill and eat you we are here to observe the human race, we are watchers. It saddens us to see how you humans are destroying not just your self’s but also this beautiful planet you live on. I am sorry mister, I whispered softly, but I won’t hurt the world please don’t make me forget, please I beg you, I promise I won’t say a word. At this point Jones closed his eyes and softly mumbled, then as if getting an answer he nodded his head and looked at me with a smile, my master says you may remember, I wanted you to forget because I don’t like it when little children gets scared of us. Oh it happens you know people, fear us because we are so huge, or as you think, like giants.
You see my son you may remember because my master says that one day this will be your testimony to other people and that you are going to do a lot of good things in his name.
Jones smiled at me and then he said, but for now this must remain a secret until you turn 21, can you promise me and your master to do that.

Who is the master I asked? Oh, the one you and your mom and dad pray to every night he is the almighty God who made the heavens and earth, he who sent his only son Jesus to die for your sins. He, our master is lord Yahweh the one and only god from the heavens and earth.

I was stunned into silence and tears was running down my cheeks, and the only thing I felt was heart sore and a terrible sadness. What’s wrong my child Jones asked me? Can you tell Jesus something for me please, tell him I am sorry the people hurt and killed him, tell him I read all his deeds in the bible and I think he was a good and kind man, could you please tell him I love him and our great Father very much. Jones smiled and again closed his eyes after a few seconds he looked at me and said, Jesus and our Father says they love you very much, and that his host of angels shall look after you and your mom and dad. God also says to remember this day and that you must always follow his way for one day you must carry his word across the world.
I will I promise, I said.

That’s a good boy now I must go, but before I leave in a few days you and your parents will move away to the city for I need your father to work for me there, and their you will meet a preacher who will lead you in the ways of God, do you understand that my son.
I just nodded yes, then Jones leaned over me and kissed my forehead, he got up and walked out and slowly closed the door behind him.

This happened 23 years ago and I never saw the angel, Jones after that. But about a year ago as I was doing the closing prayer for a group of converted Christians in Moscow Russia, I looked across the room and Jones was standing at the door with a huge smile on his face he turned and walked out slowly closing the door behind him like that day when I was 14, and I felt great peace and love in my heart.

Monday, December 1, 2008


Love is a razor and I walked the line
On that silver blade
Slept in the dust with his daughter
Her eyes red with
The slaughter of innocence
And I will pray for her
I will call her name out loud
I would bleed for her
If I could only see her now

Living on a razor's edge
Balancing on a ledge
Living on a razor's edge
Balancing on a ledge
Balancing on a ledge
Living on a razor's edge
Balancing on a ledge
You know, You know

The evil that men do lives on and on...
The evil that men do lives on and on...
The evil that men do lives on and on...
The evil that men do lives on and on...

Circle of fire my baptism of joy and at an end it seems
The seventh lamb slain
The book of life opens before me
And I will pray for you
Some day I may return
Don´t you cry for me
Beyond is where I learn

Living on a razor's edge
Balancing on a ledge
Living on a razor's edge
You know, you know

The evil that men do lives on and on...
The evil that men do lives on and on...
The evil that men do lives on and on...
The evil that men do lives on and on...

Living on a razor's edge
Balancing on a ledge
Living on a razor's edge and
You know, you know

The evil that men do lives on and on...
The evil that men do lives on and on...
The evil that men do lives on and on...
The evil that men do lives on and on...

The evil, the evil, the evil that men do...
The evil, the evil, the evil that men do...


Wednesday, November 26, 2008


I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
that I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel

remembering you standing quiet in the rain
as I ran to your heart to be near
and we kissed as the sky fell in
holding you close
how I always held close in your fear
remembering you running soft through the night
you were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow
and screamed at the make-believe
screamed at the sky
and you finally found all your courage to let it all go

remembering you falling into my arms
crying for the death of your heart
you were stone white so delicate
lost in the cold
you were always so lost in the dark
remembering you how you used to be
slow drowned
you were angels
so much more than everything
hold for the last time then slip away quietly
open my eyes
but I never see anything

If only I'd thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I'd thought of the right words
I wouldn't be breaking apart
all my pictures of you

looking so long at these pictures of you
but I never hold on to your heart
looking so long for the words to be true
but always just breaking apart
my pictures of you

there was nothing in the world
that I ever wanted more
than to feel you deep in my heart
there was nothing in the world
that I ever wanted more
than to never feel the breaking apart
all my pictures of you.


Monday, November 24, 2008


The sea's evaporating
Though it comes as no surprise
These clouds we're seeing
They're explosions in the sky
It seems it's written
But we can't read between the line

It's okay
Dry your eye
Dry your eye
Soulmate dry your eye
Dry your eye
Soulmate dry your eye
Cause soulmates never die

This one world vision
Turns us in to compromise
What good's religion
When it's each other we despise
Damn the government
Damn their killing
Damn their lies

It's okay
Dry your eyes
Dry your eyes
Soulmate dry your eyes
Dry your eyes
Soulmate dry your eyes
Cause soulmates never die

Soulmates never die
Never die
Soulmates never die
Never die...
Soulmates never die
Soulmates never die
Soulmates never die
Soulmates never die


Tuesday, November 18, 2008


“Hoe ouer ek word, hoe meer geniet ek saterdagoggende. Miskien is dit die stil alleenheid wat daarmee kom om eerste op te staan of meskien die uitbundige vreugde om nie werk toe te gaan nie. Hoe dit ook al sy, die eerste paar ure op n saterdagoggend is die lekkerste.

N paar weke gelede was ek oppad na die motorhuis met n stomende koppie koffie in die een hand en die oggenkoerant in die ander hand. Wat as n tipiese saterdag begin het sou draai in een van daardie lesse wat die lewe van tyd tot tyd vir n mens gee. Laat ek jou hiervan vertel.

Ek is n radio amateur en het my ontvangstoestel ingeskakel op die telefoniese band om na die saterdagoggend gesprekke te luister. Met die luister op die na die gesprekke kom ek af op n man wat ouerig klink, met n sterk sein en n goue stem. Jy weet n stem wat klink of hy in die uitsaaiwese hoort. Hy was besig om te vertel, wie ookal wou luister van n ding met n duisend alabasters. Ek was skielik geinteresseerd en besluit om te luister na wat hy te se het.

Wel tom, dit klink sekerlik dat jy baie besig is met jou werk. Ek is seker dat hulle jou goed betaal, maar dit is hartseer dat jy soveel weg is van die huis en jou gesin. Dit is moeilik om te glo dat n jong man sestig tot sewentig uur n week moet werk om deur te kom. Dit is hartseer dat jy jou dogter se dansopvoering gemis het. Maar laat ek jou iets vertel wat my gehelp het om my prioriteite reg te hou.

Dit is toe wat die man sy teorie van n duisend alabasters verduidelik. Jy sien , ek het eendag gesit en n bietjie somme gemaak. Die gemiddelde person leef 75 jaar. Ek weet, sommige leef meer en sommige minder, maar gemiddeld, leef mense ongeveer 75 jaar.

Wat ek toe doen is om 75 te vermenigvuldig met 52 en ek het die getal 3900 gekry dit is die aantal saterdae wat die gemiddelde mens in sy hele leeftyd het. Hou nou net n bietjie uit Tom, ek kom nou by die belangrike deel. Ek het eers op die ouderdom van 55 jaar begin dink aan hierdie detail, en by daardie tyd het ek reeds deur meer as 2800 saterdae geleef. Ek het ongeveer n duisend saterdae oor om te geniet. So het ek na die speelgoedwinkels gegaan en al die alabasters in die winkel gekoop. Uiteindelik moes ek by nog twee speelgoedwinkels ingaan om by n 1000 albasters uit te kom. Ek het die alabasters huis toe geneem en hulle in n groot, helder deursigtige plastiese fles geplaas geplaas hier in my stoor kamer langs al my goed.

Van daardie dag af het ek elke saterdagoggend een alabaster uitgehaal en weggegooi. Ek het agtergekom soos ek die alabasters sien minder raak, ek al meer gefokus het op die regtige belangrike dinge in die lewe.

Daar is niks soos om te sien hoe jou tyd op die aarde besig is om uit te hardloop , om jou te help om jou prioriteite reg te kry nie.

Wel , laat ek jou vertel voordat ek van die lug afgaan om my lieflike vrou vir ete uit te neem. Vanoggend het ek die laaste alabaster uit die fles gehaal. Ek reken indien ek dit volgende saterdag maak, is ek n klein bietjie ekstra tyd gegun. En die een ding wat ons almal kan gebruik is n klein bietjie ekstra tyd.

Dit was lekker om te kon gesels, Tom, ek hoop jy spandeer meer tyd met jou gesin, en ek hoop ons ontmoet weer hier op die lug. Dit is n 75-jarige ou man, K9NZQ wat groet, oor en uit.
Jy kon n speld op die lug hoor val toe die man van die lug afgaan. Ek reken hy het vir ons almal iets gegee om oor na te dink. Ekself het beplan om die oggend te werk aan die antenna van my radio, en daarna was ek van plan om met n paar van die ander radioamateurs saam te werk aan ons klub se nuusbrief.

Ek het egter instead daarvan om dit te doen die trappe opgeklim na ons slaapkamer en my vrou met n soen wakker gemaak. Komaan my vroutjie, ek neem vir jou en die kinders vir ontbyt. Sy het regop gesit met n glimlag: wat het gemaak om dit meet e bring? Ek na haar gekyk en gedink hoe gelukkig ek is. Ag wat, niks besonders nie, dit is slegs n lang tyd gelede dat ons n saterdagoggend saam met mekaar en met die kinders spandeer het. En terwyl ons nou uitgaan kan ons stop by die speelgoedwinkel? Ek het nodig om albasters te koop

Monday, November 17, 2008

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Welcome to my world
Involve yourself within my dream
Experience a life
Just like your mind thought not to be
Take a look through time
As past or present words to be
I rule this inferno
Enthroned for eternity

Coils of the serpent unwind
Buried beneath you will find
Deep in the halls of the damned
Spirit in black till the end

Spirits damned to rot
Amidst the brimstone fireballs
Eyes of the dead
Watching from their living walls
Broken glass reflections
Show your flesh eaten away
Beyond the gates I 'll take you
Where the blood forever rains

Coils of the serpent unwind
Buried beneath you will find
Deep in the halls of the damned
Spirit in black till the end

Afterlife confessions
Tell me who you used to be
Looking on in wonder
As I show you it was me
Burning from within
You know one spark is all it takes
Hear the piercing cries of all
Who found that hell awaits

Living nightmare can't you see
You really have no choice
Faded memories haunt you
Listen closely to my voice
Feed me all your hatred
Empty all your thoughts to me
I can fill your emptiness
With immortality

Welcome to my world
Involve yourself within my dream



Stasen looked at the people around him. The club was packed tonight, loud music was booming in every corner of the place, masses of people rubbing shoulders, sweating body’s, booze was in every hand and every second person’s eyes betrayed the drugs they had taken for the night. Young men and woman dressed in the latest fashion, some attired in cloth that left little for the imagination. He noticed 2 young girls barely 18 swinging their hips seductively in front of him every now and then 1 of them would look at him and smile. The other 1 dragged on a smoke and then passed it to her friend. Stasen shook his head and walked to the dance floor. A mass of body’s swayed shook and jerked to the music almost like a mass of voodoo priests performing a ceremony. He won’t be here Stasen thought to himself, he turned and headed back to the bar at the top of the dance floor, and he ordered a can of cola and then went and stood in the corner of the room scanning the faces of the patrons.

At about 11:00 Stasen was losing hope, he won’t be coming tonight he thought. He was hoping he would because this is 1 of the biggest music festivals in the country, and it is exactly the type of place Alex would visit. Then Stasen saw him, he was slowly working his way to the bar, Stasen felt his stomach jump with excitement. Alex was a beautiful handsome man, with a smile that could melt any woman’s heart. At the bar Alex ordered a drink and smiled at a young woman standing next to him, and just as Stasen expected within 15min the girl was ready to have Alex’s children. This bothered Stasen he wanted Alex alone, all for himself he has dreamed of this night for the last 3 years. Stasen realized he must be careful the young woman could ruin his plans for Alex tonight. For 3 years he was every weekend at every club and bar in the hope of finding Alex and tonight was exactly as he had hoped, yes he had to find a way of getting Alex away from here and alone. He was going to take his time in squeezing every last drop of life out of his body, then, Stasen felt excited again, then he will take to him with his knife and slice him into bits and pieces.

Stasen noted that both Alex and the Girl were getting drunk fast, but Stasen also saw that Alex acted more drunk than what he really was. After about 2 hours Stasen saw Alex helping the drunk girl up, Alex had his arm around her and he guided her towards the a side door that went outside the club. Stasen got up and followed them when he got outside he saw he was at a side parking lot of the club he saw Alex and the girl swinging their way between the cars slowly Stasen started after them, being careful not to be seen. The lot was filled with cars and no people in sight, right at the bottom end of the lot Stasen stopped behind a car and peered at his victim through the cars window. It was clear that the girl had passed out. Stasen realized all he could do was to kill Alex and leave. He felt disappointed cause he really wanted to spend time cutting up Alex’s pretty face. But he would have to make do with a quick kill and then fade into the night. He saw Alex pick the girl up and roughly dumping her on the back seat. As Alex started to walk towards the driver’s door Stasen walked from behind the car, his razor sharp Spiderco knife hidden behind his back. “Alex!” Stasen called. Alex swung around fear etched on his face. “Who are you, what do you want?”

Stasen smiled at Alex. “Alex do you remember about 3 years ago at a college party in Hill town you did the same thing you did tonight, and I suspect have been doing ever since? “ “ What are you talking about, who are you? “ Alex replied. Stasen grinned again, “ I am talking about the young woman on your back seat, the one you drugged tonight, the one you are going to rape and then leave next to the side of the road, just like you did that night at the college party with my daughter Abigail.” “ Hey look mister, I don’t know what you are talking about” Alex said his voice now filled with raw fear.
“Oh I think you do Alex, you see they could never catch you, you wear a condom when you rape don’t you but, I sat with Abigail outside the college a few weeks after you had raped her, and she pointed you out to me, that was the day I swore I would find you and kill you.”
“Hey hey man hold on i….?”
Stasen jumped forward the knife flashing in the air. Alex fell to his knees clutching the side of his neck, the knife had caught his jugular and blood was pumping out between his fingers. He made a gargle sound and this time Stasen stabbed him in the chest, a death stroke right into his victims heart.

As Stasen pulled the knife out he wiped it on Alex’s shirt and whispered,” nobody rapes my daughter and gets away with it.” He turned around and slowly left the parking lot. At a public phone booth he made and anonymous call to the police. He didn’t want the young girl to be left alone on that dead pig’s backseat.


I still dream of Orgonon.
I wake up crying.
You're making rain,
And you're just in reach,
When you and sleep escape me.

You're like my yo-yo
That glowed in the dark.
What made it special
Made it dangerous,
So I bury it
And forget.

But every time it rains,
You're here in my head,
Like the sun coming out--
Ooh, I just know that something good is going to happen.
And I don't know when,
But just saying it could even make it happen.

On top of the world,
Looking over the edge,
You could see them coming.
You looked too small
In their big, black car,
To be a threat to the men in power.

I hid my yo-yo
In the garden.
I can't hide you
From the government.
Oh, god, daddy--
I wont forget,

cause every time it rains,
You're here in my head,
Like the sun coming out--
Ooh, I just know that something good is going to happen.
And I don't know when,
But just saying it could even make it happen.

The suns coming out.
Your sons coming out.


Thursday, November 6, 2008


twinkle twinkle
little pain
I see you've come
to play again
lodged here in my soul so tight
turning brightness into night
twinkle twinkle
tearing ache
please let me sleep
to never wake….

…now I lay me down to sleep
my life in tatters at my feet..
if I should Wake before I die
I pray these tattered wings can fly..

twinkle twinkle
empathic strain
I never want to feel again
trapped here in this world so cold
where self is wrong
and Us is gold.
twinkle twinkle
falling tear..
how i wonder why i'm here..


A Sign Is All She Wants
The Brand New Game Is Up To Come
A Sign Is All She Wants
Give Me The Power
A Laugh Is All I Need
To Use The Finger That Makes Her Bleed
The Laugh Of Adoration
Give Me The Power
Her Fear Is All I Care
To Start The Disgust We Must Share
A State Of No Salvation
Give Me The Power
Her Lips Is All I Feel
To Make Her Body Shake An Thrill
I Love The Darkest Passion
Give Me The Power
When The Vices Go To Hellway,I Bring Up My Wine And Go There Again, Go There Again
An The Flames Around My Neck Burn My Soul In The Demons Game, The Demons Game
The Strangest Disease Comes To My Head, Get Out And Get Out Of Here
Noxious Pleasures Run In My Hands, Give Me The Power

The Game Has Now Begun
A Dirty Damage In Our Fall
A Road With No Direction
Give Me The Power
The Fright Is All I Read
Written On Her Dying Skin
The Joy Of Malediction
Give Me The Power
The Worst Is All We Search
To Build The Hate, The New Empire
A House Of Desperation
Give Me The Power
The Madness In Arms
Will Never Tear Our Hearts Apart
Our Love The Devils Passion
Give Me The Power
When The Vices Go To Hellway,I Bring Up My Wine And Go There Again, Go There Again
An The Flames Around My Neck Burn My Soul In The Demons Game, The Demons Game
The Strangest Disease Comes To My Head, Get Out And Get Out Of Here
NO xious Pleasures Run In My Hands, I Break The Empire

ARTISTS: Corpus Delicti


you don't have to say you're sorry
to look on further down the line
into the sun
too close at heaven
love is fine
but you can't hold it like a ...

two worlds apart and two together
into that good night kiss away
one takes the hard
one the other
kiss a way

are you living for love?
are you living for love?
when the road gets too tough
is your love strong enough?

(are you living?)
(are you living for love?)

do you feel your head is full of thunder?
questions never end?
empty nights alone? no wonder
it all comes back again

are you living for love?
are you living for love?
I've been under the gun
I've lost and I've ...

(one, two, three, four ...)
forget the many steps to heaven
it never happened and it ain't so hard
happiness is a loaded weapon and a
short cut is better by far
explosive bolts, ten thousand volts
at a million miles an hour
abrasive wheels and molten metals
it's a semi-automatic, get in the car
corrosive heart and frozen heat
we're worlds apart where we could meet
where the street fold round and the motors start
and the idiot wields the power
where the chosen hold the highest card
on the field of honour where the ground is hard
so the highest hand is joking wild
and the house soon fold and no-one stand
I put my finger on and dialled
the tower, the moon, the gun, and
nine nine nine, singer down
cloudburst and all around
the first are last, the blessed get wired
the best is yet to come
I put my finger on and fired
heat-seeking, out of the sun
you can set the controls for the heart or the knees
and the meek'll inherit what they damn well please
get ahead, go figure, go ahead and pull the trigger
everything under the gun


Wednesday, November 5, 2008


When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world

By: Mary Oliver.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


Ek sit alleen bo op my Ratel. Ek is alleen vandag, my mede soldate is almal weg vir n dag se rus en om te ontvlug van die konstante opleiding. Ek was nie lus om saam te gaan nie, ek wou net alleen wees. Net een dag van rus en vrede saam met myself. Ek vat n diep teug van my siggaret en knyp die kooltjie dood en sit die stompie in my sak ,en tuur oor die stil winterveld uit. N ligte bries waai en die gras ritsel saam. Alles in die Gods verlate plek is grys en dood. Winter hier is nie speletjies nie, dink ek. Maar vandag is perfek, dis koud maar nie vriesend nie. My aapjas hou my lekker warm.

“Chappie!” ruk n stem my tot realiteit. Dit was Majoor Brand, of Majoor Chappies soos ons hom noem. “Klim af en kom hier se hy in n diep stem!” Terwyl ek afklim tref dit my, geen soldaat mag bo op n Ratel sit of staan nie, great ek gaan n opvok kry op my dag af.
Ek draf na die Majoor toe en halt voor hom en salueer. “More Majoor !” se ek en wag vir die donderstorm om los te bars. “Wat rook jy Chappie ?” “Menthol Majoor, craven a menthols,” antwoord ek.” Nou laat ons rook se die spook,” se die Majoor en hy glimlag vir my. My hand bewe toe ek die siggaret en aansteker na hom uithou.

Majoor Chappies is nie iemand met wie jy speel nie, hy is al diep in die veertigs met diep donker bruin oe wat al te veel van die lewe gesien het. Die rede hoekom ons hom Majoor Chappies noem is omdat hy altyd na die troepe en range laer as syne verwys as Chappie, ek het hom nog nooit hoor verwys na n troep as n roof of rower of slangkak of enige van die kleurvolle name wat die korporale mee kon opkom nie. Ons was net Chappie of Chaps en dit was dit. “Majoor ek, ek… is jammer ek het bo die ratel gesit… ek het…” “Relax Chappie ek kon sien jy was ver weg en elk geval ons is ver weg van vyandelike gebied, it stays between us.” Se hy en knipoog vir my. Ek staan egter agterdogtig nog op aandag en weet nie wat om te se nie. Die man was tog op n stadium n bevelvoerder in Angola, hy was in die hitte van Ops Protea en ander operasies waarvan n nat agter die ore Ratel drywer net kan droom. “Kom Chappie stap saam my.”

Met dit draai hy om en begin stadig na my Ratel toe stap. “Ek het jou al dop gehou Chappie, Beukes is mos jou van, is ek reg?” Vir n oomblik is ek sprakeloos, ek is een van agthonderd Ratel drywers in die eenheid en hy ken wragtig my van, “ja Majoor” se ek. “Ek ken al jul name my Chappie,” en hy gee weer n glimlag. “Ek is mos verantwoordelik vir julle opleiding ek is mos die baas van die plaas as dit kom by die, en hy klap sy hand teen my Ratel se wand, moordmasjiene!”

“Moenie so verbaas wees nie Chappie, dis presies wat die Ratels is, ja julle jong laaities sien die goed as cool en awesome, maar as jy dit kon sien soos ek dit al gesien het sal jy anders voel.” Ek skuifel ongemaklik rond en steek toe maar nog n siggaret aan. “Ek het jou al dop gehou Beukes jy is altyd eenkant meng nie somer met die ander nie, jou Ratel is altyd skoon en met staalperades is jy en jou Chappies altyd die enigste wat nie n opvok kry nie, glo my ek het al gesoek vir foute met inspeksies maar ek kan sien jy kyk na jou Ratel. En dis wat die ander nie besef nie, dis daai dissepline wat lewens red.”

Weet jy wat ons Ratels in Angola genoem het?” “Nee Majoor.”se ek nou meer op my gemak.
“Bliksnyers Chappie, bliksnyers…” “Hoekom Majoor?” Die Majoor neem n diep sug en gaan sit stadig met sy rug teen die Ratel se agterwiel, “gee my nog n smoke dan vertel ek jou kom, kom sit hier langs my.” Ek gaan sit langs die Majoor en gee hom my pakkie en aansteker nadat hy n siggaret aan gesteek het sit hy die pakkie tussen ons op die grond neer maar hy speel stadig met my aansteker en tuur voor hom uit, ek kan sien die man se gedagtes begin ver terug gaan in tyd.

“Ons was in n geveg betrokke met n groep terroriste hulle het van ons manne vas geskiet met russiese tenks, toe roep ons die Ratels in, hulle was die naaste aan die konflik, ek het daai dag gesien hoe jong seuns soos jy n russiese panser tenk uitskiet met net n 20mm kanon en n brownie in die toring.” “ Dit was asof die duiwel himself in ons troepe was daai dag, hulle het een van ons Ratels uit gehaal met n 90mm kanon op een van hul T56 tenks.” “ Die troepe was swaar gewond en verbrand, vier was dood, die rondte het die voertuig in die middel getref, toe die drywer sien almal is uit insluitend die dooies het hy eenvoudig sy voet neer gesien en teen topspoed op daai russiese tenk af gejaag.” “Nou die skerp punt neus van die Ratel het daai tenk teen seker maklik 70km/ph getref en het daai tenk soos n blik sardines oop geruk van voor tot reg in die middel, daar was een moerse ontploffing en die Ratel en die tenk was in vlamme gehul.” “ Wat daai klomp terroriste gedink het weet ek nie maar hulle het net daar stert tussen die bene gevlug, vandaar die naam bliksnyer, my Chappie.”

“Bliksem Majoor!” is al wat ek kon se. “Ja Chappie as jy enige tenk reg tref met n Ratel se neus sny jy hom oop soos n blik sardines, weet jy hoekom noem ek julle manne Chappies?” vra hy onverwags.
“Nee Majoor, ek weet nie.” “Hmmm nou kom ek vertel jou, dit was op daai selfde dag na die konflik, ons was op pad terug na die basis in konfooi, ek was saam met n drywer skutter Chapman heel agter in die konfooi, my Ratel was ook buite aksie, ons het in n ou Bedford met voorraad in gery toe begin die trok te ruk en pluk en proes en gaan staan net daar met ons langs die pad.” “Die konfooi wag nie vir n man nie so toe spring ons uit en ek en Chappies dit was Chapman se bynaam begin toe soek na die fout. Maar die heel donerse tyd is die troepie in my pad as ek oor die enjin leun dan le die seun omtrent bo op my as ek onder die trok is dan is hy weer daar omtrent bo op my.”

“Ek het my later so vervies dat ek los gebars het op die mannetjie, vokkof onder my voete uit troep het ek gegil hoe de donner moet ek die trok reg maak met jou die heel tyd in my pad. En daar slat daai man my asem weg, en hoe ek na julle manne kyk vir die res van my lewe.”

“Luitenat , dit was my rang toe, het hy kalm gese, ek het gehoor hoe praat die manne vandag van jou, ek het gehoor hoe jy hulle gelei het in die geveg. Ek het gehoor hoe se hulle as dit nie vir jou was nie sou hulle al ons manne uit gewis het, ek het gehoor hoe jy openlik voor die ander begin huil het oor Anderson wat sy lewe op gegee het en in daai russe se tenk vas gejaag het. Jy gee om vir jou manne luitenant, die weermag het mense soos jy nodig. Ek Luitenant is net n drywer ek het in n weeshuis groot geword, ek het niemand in my lewe nie, en ek was nie in die pad nie Luitenant, ek wou jou maar net beskerm. Ek het gedink as die vyand skielik hier aankom dan kan hulle my eerste raak skiet, en dit kan Luitenat n kans gee om weg te kom.”

Ek was sprakeloos en kon aan niks dink om te se vir Majoor Brand nie. Hy het stadig op gestaan en af gekyk na my,” dit is hoekom ek julle Chappies noem, julle is die wiel wat die oorlogs masjien laat draai ons range is net n bietjie olie om dinge glad te hou, maar ek het na daai dag nooit weer sleg van of met n troep gepraat nie julle boys is my Chappies.”

Ek het op gestaan en my hand na die Majoor uit gehou hy het my n ferm handskud gegee.” Vandag bly tussen my en jou Beukes?” “Dis reg so Majoor,” en ek het op aandag gekom en hom met trots gesalueer. Hy het my terug gesalueer om gedraai en stadig weg gestap. Ek was alleen tussen al die Ratels en moordmasjiene. In die stilte het ek die gekraak en steun van die metal gehoor. En skielik het ek gewens ek was eerder saam my ander Chappies op dorps pas.


Well I wish there was someone
Well I wish there was someone
To love me

When I used to be someone
And I knew there was someone
That loved me

As I sit here frozen alone
Even ghosts get tired and go home
As they crawl back under the stones

And I wish there was something
Please tell me there's something better
And I wish there was something more than this
Saturated loneliness

And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could steal it
Abduct it, corrupt it, but I never can
it's just saturated loneliness

Does the silence get lonely?
Does the silence get lonely?
Who knows?
I've been hearing it tell me
I've been hearing it tell me
Go home

Cause the freaks are playing tonight
They packed up and turned out the lights

And I wish there was something
Please tell me there's something better
And I wish there was something more than this
Saturated loneliness

And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could steal it
Abduct it, corrupt it, but I never can
It's just saturated loneliness

And the bath waters cold
And this life's getting old

And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could steal it
Abduct it, corrupt it
And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could steal it
And I wish I could feel it
Abduct it, corrupt it
But I never can
I never can
Never Can
Never Can
Never Can



Wednesday, October 29, 2008


it's colder than before
the seasons took all they had come for
now winter dances here
it seems so fitting don't you think?
to dress the ground in white
and grey

it's so quiet I can hear
my thoughts touching every second
that I spent waiting for you
circumstances afford me
no second chance to tell you
how much I've missed you

my beloved do you know
when the warm wind comes again
another year will start to pass
and please don't ask me why I'm here
something deeper brought me
than a need to remember

we were once young and blessed with wings
no heights could keeps us from their reach
no sacred place we did not soar
still greater things burned within us
I don't regret the choices that I've made
I know you feel the same

my beloved do you know
how many times I stared at clouds
thinking that I saw you there
these are feelings that do not pass so easily
I can't forget what we claimed was ours

moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
no pain remains, no feeling
eternity awaits
grant me wings that I might fly
my restless soul is longing
no pain remains, no feeling
eternity awaits

Artist: VNV Nation.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retire to the bar at the end of the day.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman: 'In Australia, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate.'
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: 'In the States, we brew the king of them all - gimme a Bud.'
Hans steps up next: 'In Germany ve invented beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers.'
Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of foam on top.
Norman, chairman of SAB, is next: 'Barman, give me a diet Coke with ice and lemon please.'
The other four stare at him in stunned silence, then Bruce asks: 'Aren't you going to have a Castle, Norm?'
Norman replies 'Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither am I.'

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


DAD: 27/01/1931-21/08/2006
MOM: 15/10/1935-22/02/2007

All that we needed, was right
The threshold is breaking, tonight

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I needed I never could say
Hold on to people they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away

All that we needed, tonight
Are people who love us, and life
I know how it feels to need
Oh when we leave here, you'll see

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I needed I never could say
Hold on to people they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away

So long
So long

Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good when it's all going bad
Seeing the sun when I can't really see
Hoping the sun will at least look at me

Focus on everything better today
All that I needed I never could say

Hold on to people they're slipping away


Thursday, October 9, 2008



Wednesday, October 8, 2008


She shines
In a world full of ugliness
She matters
When everything is meaningless
She doesnt see her beauty
She tries
To get away
It's just that nothing seems worth saving
I can't watch her slip away

I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart

She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by
Hoping someone will see
If I could fix myself I'd...
But it's too late for me

I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart

We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide
We'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side
But they keep waiting and picking
And picking

It's something I have to do (I won't let you fall apart)
I was there, too (I won't let you fall apart)
Before everything else (I won't let you fall apart)
I was like you (I won't let you fall apart)


Tuesday, October 7, 2008


When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone

I did not believe because I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Then the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and fire

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars

Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me
Please remember me

ARTIST: Loreena McKennitt

Monday, October 6, 2008


It must be summer the sky is clear
The garden is so beautiful
All the flowers and all the trees
Make Me feel like they're inside of Me
I'm holding My friend’s hand
While we're walking in this land
It's all but a dream

My bed is moving, I cannot see a thing
I am in total darkness, someone is calling
I can feel the cold, it's all around Me
I know it's not a dream, No no no

Someone is in My room
Standing at the end of My bed
Must be a visit from a restless soul

Now I see her figure, her face against the glass
And there's no reflection, she's in the mirror
Could it really be, has she returned?
My dearest gypsy

My dearest gypsy will you tell me
You know we don't have no secrets
Must be a visit from a restless soul
"I will send You a dream...”

Adapted from a visit from the dead by King Diamond.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Monday, September 29, 2008


staring in the face of condemnation
laughter fills the sky instead of rain

live my life alone in resignation
arms outstretched for those who cannot say


crucified and left in isolation
pictures of our lost morality


eyeless stares invite this whole damnation
rotting corpse of inhumanity



Tuesday, September 23, 2008