Tuesday, July 29, 2008


Jannie is in Gr.1 en sy Engelsjuffrou het probleme met hom.
Jannie meen hy's te slim vir Gr.1 en wil na Gr.3 oorgeplaas word.
Sy suster is in Gr.3 en Jannie reken hy is baie slimmer as sy.
Die juffrou het genoeg gehad en vat hom na die skoolhoof.
Die hoof sê hy gaan Jannie toets.As hy druip,bly hy in Gr.1.
Hoof:"Wat is 3x3?" Jannie :"9"
Hoof:"Wat is 6x6?' Jannie :"36"
So gaan dit aan totdat die juffrou die hoof vra of sy nie
maar vir Jannie `n paar vrae in Engels kan vra nie
Juffrou:"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Jannie :"Legs"
Juffrou:"What do you have in you pants that I don't have?"
Jannie :"Pockets"
Juffrou:"What starts with a c and ends with a t, is hairy,oval,delicious and contains a thin,whitish liquid?"
Die hoof vee die sweet van sy voorkop af
Jannie :"Coconut"
Juffrou:"What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?" Jannie :"Bubblegum"
Juffrou:"What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting downand a dog does on three legs?" Jannie :"Shake hands"
Juffrou:"Now I'll ask some 'Who am I sort of questions, okay?" Jannie :"Yup"
Juffrou:You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you. Jannie :"A tent"
Juffrou: A finger goes into me.You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first
Die hoof lyk baie gespanne.
Jannie :"wedding ring"
Juffrou: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well I drip. When you blow me you feel good. Jannie :"Nose"
Juffrou:I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Jannie :"Arrow"
Juffrou: What starts with a F ends with a K that means a lot of excitement? Jannie :"firetruck Die hoof sê: Sit die klein bliksem in Gr.5 Ek het die laaste 10 antwoorde verkeerd gehad!!!!!!!




Wednesday, July 23, 2008


1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.��
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY, no video/dvd films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were noLawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's�always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TODEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Facts about Africa Part2

Facts about Africa
Part II

As I visited or stayed in various countries in Africa, I worked and mingled with all kind of people but of course the best results are acquired when relaxing around a beer…
That’s where you learn about your surrounding, safety issues, the dos and don’t, what the culture around you is all about and most of all, what the political climate is. I will go through a couple of African countries so you can get a grasp of what is really happening out there.

I’ll start with Burundi; Burundi is an amazing small country, 27834 km² a bit smaller than Belgium and slightly smaller than Maryland, with about 8 700 00ha. You will find there wonderful people, but do me a favour if you happen to go there, DO NOT TALK ABOUT POLITICS, you say the wrong thing at the wrong time, you will be faced by 24 hour law…. Which means you will have 24 hours to leave the country by any means, so be advised.
The people will welcome you with an open heart. The customs like in most places in Africa, like to talk to you at arrival and ask you where you coming from, purpose of visit and what are all the gimmicks and gadget in your bag and what they are for etc…. I think you get the idea.
Another tip for the traveller, avoid short hair, like an army crew cut, wearing army cargo pants or similar clothing, I don’t think you want to be mistaken for a mercenary, that could land you in a lot of trouble.
When you through all this, there is a lot of places of different interest to go to, welcome to Burundi…
You can hang out by the Marina by the Lake Tanganyika, enjoy the sundowner, meet new people and exchange information. The golf course and the equestrian club are also good spots to meet people.
The locals of any race back grounds are very friendly and always willing to help you in any way in your journey.
The country is very rich in nickel, uranium, rare earth oxides, peat, cobalt, copper, platinum, vanadium, arable land, hydropower, niobium, tantalum, gold, tin, tungsten, kaolin and limestone.
I’m sure you all heard about the “genocide” which took place in Burundi and Rwanda. As a lot of countries in Africa there are some conflicts happening from time to time. In Burundi like in Rwanda a conflicts happens every ± 20 years. The reason for this is simple, not like the media tend to say and show, but when the population density is for example, 680 ha/km² and increases over the years to 1300 ha/km² in rural areas, bear in mind there’s no multi storey flats in those areas, you will face frictions and tensions which will sometimes lead to a “Coup d’Etat”, as the people will have the impression that the President is not doing his job, _ “ yeah, I’m sure some of you will think that way, but trust me it’s not always the case.”_, but surely it will result in some type of violence.
Whatever the President’s tribe origin is you will have Hutus and Tutsies taking on each other.
Just to tickle your brain a bit now, what about the people born from a mix family Hutu/Tutsi, the half casts? Where do they stand? Which side are they going to take if they take any? (Comments welcomed)
Rwanda is very similar to Burundi, in the colonial times it was called Rwarundi because the two countries were in fact one. But the difference came in after the 90’s genocide where people had to flee to neighbouring countries like Uganda, Tanzania, Kenya, Zambia, DRC and even as far as RSA, Botswana and Namibia.
Now if you go to Rwanda which at the origin was a French speaking country is in fact bi lingual, French and English. It’s really the first country in Africa I know that changed from one language to two over a period of five years. The people are also friendly but you can still see the pain they endured during the genocide.

To be continued......




Subject: Beer
Police warn all single men, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
to forward this warning to a friend of yours!However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow pages.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


Former South African heavyweight boxing champion, Mike "The Tank" Schutte (57) passed away in Vanderbijlpark on Monday morning.
He had been ill with cancer for some time, it was confirmed by boxing publicist Terry Pettifer.
Schutte, who was trained by the late Alan Toweel, will mostly be remembered for his epic fights with fellow South Africans Jimmy Richards, Kallie Knoetze and Gerrie Coetzee.
He was an underrated heavyweight who came within a whisker of fighting the inimitable Muhammad Ali during the mid-seventies.
He won the SA heavyweight title from Richards in 1975 and lost the title to Coetzee the following year. Schutte also fought and beat the likes of Cookie Wallace, Chuck Wepener, Joe "King" Roman, Obie English, Terry Hinke, Pat Duncan, Neil Malpass, Bill Carlson and Rudi Lubbers.
Schutte made his professional debut in May 1971 when he stopped Doug de Wet and remained undefeated in his next 13 fights before losing on a disqualification to Johnny Britz.
His five-fight series with Richards were like wars. In 1972, Schutte outpointed Richards twice but lost to him in April 1974 and February 1975 when challenging for the national heavyweight title.
On 13 September 1975, in another memorable fight, he again beat Richards on points to become the champion.
In April 1977, in arguably the dirtiest fight ever seen in a South African ring, Schutte lost his SA title to a young Coetzee when he was disqualified in the sixth round.
In a return match in April 1977, he was outpointed over 12 rounds and in August the same year he was knocked out in the second round by Knoetze.
After outpointing Neil Malpass from England on 18 June 1979, Schutte announced his retirement from the ring to finish with a record of 38 fights, nine defeats, two draws and 28 wins.
He later turned to professional wrestling and added to his fan base as a musical entertainer. He also appeared in television adverts as well as a few comedy films.
No funeral details have been released.

NicknameThe Tank Schutte "Big" Mike Schutte
Height6' 5" (1.96 m)
Heavyweight boxing contender from South Africa in the 1970s.
Defeated heavyweight contender Chuck Wepner.
Defeated heavyweight contender Jose "King" Roman.
Knocked out by heavyweight contender Duane Bobick.
Fought professionally from 1971 to 1979.
Had a boxing record of 38-9-2 with 28 knockout wins.
In 1976 retired after defeating Neil Malpass.
Scored 9 first round knockout victories.
Undefeated in his first 14 bouts. South African Heavyweight Champion from September 1975 to August 1976.

Friday, July 11, 2008


Zeus and Danae who swept down on his winged horse Pegasus to save Ethiopian princess Andromeda from a sea monster. The love that springs up between them is symbolized by cupids, while the goddess of glory crowns perseus head with a laurel wreath. This work by a great exponent of the Baroque style is full of life and impulsive dynamism. Notice Andromeda shyly looking down covering her vagina, while perseus try to make eye contact with her, at the same time he gently touches her arm. The decapitated head he holds away from her as if to protect her from the horror. Amazing how the great barque artists even used body language to bring the story of a painting to the viewer.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


Then God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light.4 And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness.5 God called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night. So the evening and the morning were the first day.


Wednesday, July 9, 2008








Monday, July 7, 2008

Wisdom of 6 year-olds

A first-grade teacher asked each of the kids in her class to finish a well-known proverb.Here are the results:
1. Don’t change horses………………….until they stop running.
2. Strike while the……………………………..bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before………………Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of…………………termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but………………….how?
6. Don’t bite the hand that………………………..looks dirty.
7. No news is………………………………impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a…………………………….Mr.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new………………..math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…………stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust………………………………….me.
12. The pen is mightier than the……………………..pigs.
13. An idle mind is………………………the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s……………………….pollution.
15. Happy the bride who……………………gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is…………………………………not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s………………………..the Musketeers.
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what……….you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…..you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as…………………….Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not…………..spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don’t succeed………………get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you…….see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind……………..get out of the way.
25. Better late than………………………………….pregnant.

Facts about Africa

Facts about Africa
Yes as I was presented by Staalhamburger I did travel quite a bit all over the places in the world. But my place of best interest is Africa, because I was born there. I will try to describe this continent to you as best as I can.
I will talk about the people, the land, the quality of life and differences in different countries in Africa.
Let’s start by the beginning, nowadays we have people of all races in Africa, we have blacks, whites, yellow, and coloureds and believe it or not were born in Africa and then you have the same races living in Africa permanently but were not born in Africa.
Now those people all work together in a way or another, make new families, own pieces of land, for different reasons, i.e.: industries, farming, households and other means. Like everywhere in the world you have different categories of people, you have the lazy ones, the ones just working for what they are asked for and the thieves.
I’ll describe now, for the reader who doesn’t know about Africa, the differences in land fertility and mineral richness all over the continent.
Approximately 1500km North and South of the Equator you have very fertile grounds nearly everywhere, than the more North or South you go it’s getting less fertile.
Up North it’s getting hotter where you’ll find some of the most amazing deserts in the world, the Sahara, the Tenere, the Egyptian Desert just to mention a few. The more South you go, you’ll find the Namib Desert and the Kalahari Desert but not with the same heat as up North.
What surprised me is that in the Central areas of Africa, West Africa and West African Coast the people are working for their pieces of land for food to feed their families and cattle if they have and sell some of the crops to enable them to buy some tools, different utensils and other needed items.
Southern Africa, on the other hand, is very lazy; they want to be given, THEY DON’T WANT TO WORK TO GET IT!!!! Yes, it’s unbelievable; they rather turn to criminality before working for it. Of course, this doesn’t apply to all of the people living in this area, but to a great number of them.
Please don’t get me wrong here, I’m not racist, thinking it’s only the blacks, yellows, coloureds or whites doing it, it happens between all race groups, i.e. : White stealing, killing Whites, Blacks on Blacks and so on....
Coming to that point, it is destroying the country they live in. Instead of building for a better future.....like a good example between many, Zimbabwe.
The quality of life over Africa differs from country to country, of course, it would be boring otherwise don’t you think, different cultures, habits, availability of luxuries (if you can’t live without a sports car it will be difficult for you to adapt in a country with poor road maintenance...it will not be a nice country for you to stay in).
But if you can mingle with different cultures and live with the basics plus a bit, you’ll enjoy it.
In Africa you’ll meet very interesting friendly people from different race and culture back grounds, which makes it amazing to discuss with.
To be continued..........

Friday, July 4, 2008

Humour at work

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg BulmashSEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

Thursday, July 3, 2008



(Correct use of the "F" word)When is @#$% acceptable?
There are only eleven times in history when the "F" word has beenconsidered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 18778. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$ %ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998
and a drum roll please............!
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003


1. Doen so bietjie moeite met jou aankoop van jou vleis. 'n Braai is 'n ernstige ding, benader dus jou aankope ook so. In die ou dae was jou slagter amper familie. Jy het hom immers meer gesien as jou dokter. Deesdae is dinge soveel makliker en onpersoonlik. Rakke het gesigte vervang met die gevolg dat die jonger geslag onbekend geraak het oor wat nou eintlik goeie vleis is. As 'n ding goed verpak is dan lyk hy mos gaaf genoeg om te braai. Kak man! So, as jy nie vleis ken nie, vra jou slagter! Pick 'n Pay, Spar of Checkers se vleis is kak - punt stop.

2. Dikker snitte vir braai!

3. Steaks is medium-rare en miskien selfs medium. As jy van jou vleis 'well-done hou - gebruik 'n blow torch en hou jou vleis van 'n braaier af. Hardloop dan ook sommer in 'n muur vas. Herhaaldelik!

4. Rare is net vir persone wat die smaak van vleis opreg waardeer!

5. 'n Steak sonder vet is nie 'n steak nie.( Fillet het geen vet nie )

6. Fillet is vir bejaarde mense. Tenderised steak hoort op die Kerkbasaar se steakrolls. Nie op 'n vuur nie!

7. Wors moet nog kan buig as hy afgehaal word - dit moet nie breek nie. Wors word ook nie vol gate gesteek nie, kry vir jou iets anders om te steek.

8. As jy nie kan braai nie, moenie!

9. As jy een van daai gelukkige braaiers is wat 'n dik braaiplaat besit gebruik hom gerus, maar net vir steak.

10.Vleis word van die rooster of die plaat af opgeskep - nie uit 'n lou-oond uit nie .

11.Daar word eers gebraai waneer die vuur reg is.

12.Uitpass voor die ete is uit soos bokn...!

13.As jy self jou vleis wil braai, want jy vertrou nie die braaier nie, of as jy net doodeenvoudig vol kak is, praat voor die tyd of shut up!

14.As jy 'n ander persoon die braaireg by jou huis gee dan swaai hy die septer.

15.Sout word alleenlik en ALLEENLIK aan tafel oor die vleis gegooi! Jy braai nie met sout nie!

16.As jy met hout wil vuurmaak, koop ordentlike hout. Gebruik slegs as daar genoeg vuuraanstekers is want om die ding aan die gang te kry kos hitte. Baie hitte. Die rook van 'n sukkelende vuur is 'n steurnis. 'Smokey Robinson' word nie hier geduld nie.

17.Daar is nie 'n ding soos 'n te warm vuur nie.

18.As jy kan braai en nie 'n ordentlike vuur kan maak nie dan lieg jy.

19.Komplimenteer die braaier as die vleis gaaf is. Indien nie, sê so! Hoe de fok anders moet hy leer?

20.Een slaai by 'n braai is genoeg .

21.Papierborde is cool solank dit in een of ander versterking is.

22.Hou jou stompies uit 'n braaivuur uit! Jou kak gewoonte hoort by jou huis !

23.Met rugby steek jy die vuur tydens halftyd aan.

24.Hoender eet jy met die hand. Tjops ook. Steak en wors, met 'n mes en vurk.

25.As jy jou pap saam met 'n braai met melk en suiker eet, is jy wanaangepas en skreeu jy seker vir die Blou Bulle . Vra almal by die braai om jou teen jou kop te klap, maar dit sal seker ook nie eers help nie .

26.Politiek, godsdiens en baba praatjies is uit om 'n braaivleisvuur. Rugby , jag, 4x4 bakkies en die buurvrou se tan-lyne is die norm.Visvang stories word eers gepraat as almal gesuip is, want dan kan die wat nie visvang nie saam kak praat.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

A hell of an answer!

The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool
chemistry final exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure
of enjoying it as well. Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's lawthat gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the differentreligions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of
Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives twopossibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increaseuntil all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezesover. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during
my freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleepwith you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her lastnight, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell isendothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is
that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandrakept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The joys of marriage

Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"(HE ASKED FOR IT!)*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)*****************************************
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.*****************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.


Setpil Na Die Kaap

Niks in die lewe bring groter vreugde vir 'n moeë vis-en-hoenderdieet as 'n langnaweek in die Vrystaat nie. Die oggend, middag en aandvleisvure brand hoog en die vet drup uit die vakansie baarde, dis 'n geil besigheid man, geil man, geil. Jou beker loop oor. Soggens is dit skaapniertjies, smiddae skaaptjops en saans iets kleins soos 'n ou biefstukkie of 'n varkboutjie. Indie Vrystaat beteken 'n gebalanseerde dieet 'n tjop in elke hand. Tussendeur word daar aan 'n biltonkie gekou om die kieste oefening te gee. Maar soos met alle goeie dinge kom daar 'n einde aan alles.Die t'rugtog Kaap toe kom soos 'n dief in die nag. Daar word uitgestel en weggepraat maar vader Tyd het gesê dis Sondagmiddag en so sal dit wees. Na 'n skaapvleis ontbyt word die langpad gevat met skaapboud toebroodjies vir padkos. Voetslepend en klaend word die tasse gepak en gelaai en met stroewe gesigte word die Vrystaatse familie gegroet. Die stilte in die motor is oorverdowend wanneer ons die N1 vat Kaap toe Edenburg, Trompsburg, Colesberg, Spietkop, Hanover, Spietkop, Richmond flits die plekke verby. Drie Susters .. amper halfpad en die Sondagmiddag trek lang skadu's oor die Groot Karoo. Aaaai, as ons maar al die skapies kon saamvat vir die mense in die Kaap. Hulle weet nie wat mis hulle nie. Glo mos net aan vis en hoender. Hoenie is mos nie verniet die nasionale voël van die Wes-Kaap nie. Na Drie Susters kom die fout. Groooot fout! 'n Pyn van epidermiese proporsies skiet my regterenkel binne. Dit moet 'n beroerte wees. Ek sweer dis 'n hartaanval .. My hart sit juis in my skoene. Kry mens miskien 'n voetaanval, Bosluisvoet of Slangvoet?Die moontlikhede is legio. Die pyn neem alles oor. Die kinders wonder of pa Krismis gaan haal. Liefste wil weet of ek koors het. "Bel die dokter!" is al wat ek kan uitkry terwyl ek stotterend probeer asem kry. Ek trap die petrol dieper met die anner voet en die trane biggel oor my wange. O Kaap, O Kaap, as ek tog maar net by die huis kan kom Vroutjie bel vir Dok uit sy Sondagmiddagslapie. Dit is NOOD broer. Sy vertel in kort, afgemete sinne wat haar diagnose is Dok vra hieroor en daaroor en waar die pyn is en of daar ou rugby beserings is in daai voet. Dan die lang stilte. Ons albei verwag die ergste." Nee" se dok "maar as dit so pyn en die pyn daar is en julle die en daai ge-eet het, daar geen koors is nie, die pyn nie "loop" nie, dan lyk dit my na ghout". "Wat het jy in die kar? Het jy enige iets vir die kinders vir karsiek?" Dankie tog, dink ek nou is ons darem al by die merriekasie. "O, setpille" hoor ek vroutjie antwoord van die kant af, "maar as jy dit het, kan jy dit vir hom gee. Hy sal 'n 100mg moet inkry". "Maar ek het net 15 en 20mg pilletjies", hoor ek vir vroutjie terwyl sy hard dink hoe sy hierdie pilletjies in haar man se watse dinges gaan inkry. Synde die dokter op die "loudspeaker" is, kan ek darem self in my toestand uitwerk hoeveel keer gaan ek, nou ja, die ding moet doen. Toe hy aflui staan ek dadelik vas, ek het ook mos 'n binneste. "Sal wag tot op Beaufort, daar sal 'n noodapteek wees" en daarmee handel ek die gesprek af, ter wille van die kinders in die kar.Maar ai boeta, op Beaufort is 'n noodapteek so skaars soos reën. Niks oop, op 'n Sondagaand nie. "Dan druk ons maar deur Kaap toe." Kners ek op my tanne. Ek sit nou al kaalvoet met die lugreeling vol oop op my voet - dalk vries die ding dood dan kan ek hom afbreek en in die kar se "boot" gooi. 'n Man het sy trots en ek's g'n hoender wat klein pilletjies agterstevoor om pik nie.Op Leeu Gamka is al my manlikheid daarmee heen . alles is wit van die pyn. " Vrou, gee maar - dit is nou of nooit, en ek "nou" liewer as "nooit". Vroulief fynkam haar "toolbox" en kom met die goeie nuus, daar's nog 'n 100mg setpilletjie". Daar het jy dit: Vir elke pyn is daar 'n gewig. Pil in die hand bestorm, of was dit nou bekruip of huppel ek na die plek van verligting by die vulstasie. "Hierdie besigheid MOET net werk" dink ek by myself en probeer moed skep vir wat voorlê. Ek worstel en sweet, maar in moet hy in - het jy al ooit probeer om 'n "dartboard" se "bullseye" van die agterkant af op een been te kry sonder om die ander ouens in die kleedkamer met sagte kreungeluidjies te vermaak?Na die nagmerrie sukkel ek t'rug kar toe en ons val in die pad. Die kinders wil weet hoekom pa se oë dan nou so groot is. Dink seker ek probeer Wolf en Rooikappie vir hulle opvoer om die pad om te kry. Niemand sê iets nie, ma bly liewer stil, sy weet wanneer vraetyd verby is. Later slaap die kinders snoesig in hul stoeltjies, ek sit met die pyn en trap die petrol dat ons in die Kaap kan kom. Pyn, alles net pyn en die gedagte van die vreeslikheid daar in die toilet op Leeu Gamka vir ewig ingeprent in my geheue.By Laingsburg traai vroutjie weer 'n geselsie." Voel dit al beter, skat." "Nog nie juis nie liefling. Maar dis darem 'n skerp pil daai" gooi ek 'n hou na die witjasse. "Hoe bedoel jy?" "Ek bedoel die alluminium om die pil. Ek moes die besigheid omtrent "panelbeat" om die skerp kante te probeer platkry. As ek dit sommer net so sou gebruik, kon ek my binneste lelik beskadig" verduidelik ek sonder om te veel "detail" te gee.Dit smaak vroutjie het as selfmoordbomplanter by Elkaida gekwalifiseer. Sy ontplof dat die kinners se lyfies ruk en hulle met hulle handjies bo-kant hulle koppe gryp in hulle slaap. Dis die ergste lagbui wat ek uit haar lyf hoor sedert die nuus van haar eerste swangerskap. "Jy moes die alluminium afhaal, poe.ol!" rek sy dit uit en sy trek haar foontjie nader. "Maar ek dog dit werk soos 'n kapsule. Mens breek mos nie 'n kapsule oop nie, net nou vergiftig jy jouself met 'n oordosis, die besigheid moet mos stadig 'n mensse sisteem bekruip!" My manlikheid en intellek is daarmee heen. Die wêreld weet. Sy mishandel die selfoontjie om die nuus oor die aardbol te versprei.Dok is die eerste om van my "mishap" te hoor. Hy kan sommer my lyding op die internet uitblaker en die eer kry vir die beste mediese "joke' van die maand. Geen setpil sal ooit weer dieselfde wees nie. Hoe gaan ek die wêreld in die oë kyk? En dit na die vreeslike lyding op Leeu Gamka. Ek verlang na die tere liefde en simpatie van my moeder.Volgende môre is ek 'n "celeb" op kantoor, almal wil tog net bemoedigend aan my vat of 'n ou geselsie aanknoop. Wil weet of ek nou 'n "stainless steel silencer" het. Ha, ha, ha, wens julle kry dieselle pyn wat ek in my voet het in julle "silencers" da sal ons sien! Klomp ape!Het die ding gewerk? Weet nog nie..wag dat die aluminium "corode".

Afly on the wall by David Moseley

David Moseley
I would imagine that for most people day-to-day life is a rather routine affair. Most of us get up, wander around the house scratching a bum cheek, hop in the shower (checking size of diminishing guns and expanding gut if there's a mirror near by), get dressed and head to work.
If you're in Joburg you sit in traffic for three days before you arrive in the office, if you're in Cape Town you get to the office, realise you've left your laptop at home, go back home, forget what you're doing there, have a nap and eventually get into the office around lunchtime where you discover 324 frantic messages from clients in the Joburg traffic. So that's your day. Pretty ordinary stuff.
But there are a lot of not-so-ordinary people out there, say, like the famous Mugabes from that place above South Africa which used to be a country, but is now more like a sandpit at a pre-school where the nasty kid kicks sand at the nice kids all day? and then punches them in the nose when they try to get out the firing line.
I wonder what the Mugabes get up to every day? I'm sure they don't sit in traffic - there certainly shouldn't be any traffic anyway if you consider that only five people can afford to buy the 17 litres of petrol that the country shares right now.
I imagine a Day In The Life of Robert and Grace to go a little something like this: His Excellency (this is what the official Zimbo government website calls him) Robert wakes up, rolls over and checks the polls. "Aah, 99% ahead of the opposition. It's going to be a good day. Comrade Butler?" Yes your Excellency of All Things African, Holy and Righteous on this, the Honourable African Continent Soon to Be Free of the White Peril? "Get me Comrade Joseph on the line, we need to torture at least one percent of the population today." Very well, sir.
That recipe from Idi
The lovely Grace arrives, flustered from an overnight flight from the shopping mecca of the Green Point Stadium flee market. "Robert, darling, turn on the television. You won't believe what they are saying about you." Oh Grace, it makes no difference to me, I can never tell who those people are. They all look the same to me. What's for breakfast my dear? "Well love, we have some left-over MDC Stew from last night." Oh lovely, is that the recipe Idi left for us. "That's right, and we have some extra feet that I can add from that last gang of unruly opposition supporters that we rounded up."
Robert stretches his weary limbs and heads for the door. "I have to head into the office today, dear. I need to make outlandish claims about the white imperialists claiming Zimbabwe for themselves. They want to rape and pillage our land and people?"
Grace and Robert stop, share eye contact and a knowing giggle. Oh Robbie, you're such a joker, we've done all that already. Ha ha ha. They clink together two glasses of champagne, laughing uncontrollably in their matching Gucci gowns, as another rollicking day in dusty Zimbabwe gets under way.
Your Excellency of all that is Free, Fair and Fabulous? "Yes Comrade?" There's a call on line two, a Mr Mbeki for you. "Never heard of him. Take a message and Morgan can get back to him when he's president." A glance at Grace, and a fit of laughter erupts again. Mwhahahahaha? good one Robbie dear, good one.
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