BILLY CONNOLLY SAYS.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes right to the f***ing bone
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!
My parents used to take me to Lewis' department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo. Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on. Save the Trees?...Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires! American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head - supposedly for people to drive along the freeway with.
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?